new years resolution

Quick post before I crash for 2.5 hours.

Just finished a 15 page paper in 17 hours. Oh yeah! Is it any good? I don't know. I'm just glad it's done.

I'm feeling completely awful about myself, academically speaking. I feel incredibly self-conscious and a little bit like I might be engaging in some good old self-sabotage... without my consent.

I'm having a bit of an existential crisis. And it's not a good time to have one. I don't know when the appropriate time for existential crises are, but never when you're up the creek I am. I ought to be paddling, not overthinking myself and life and what I want to do and if any of it is actually worth it -- to me or anyone else. I have this overwhelming fear that everyone is just being nice and secretly they all think I'm a grand ticking time bomb of idiocy and crazy.

I want to take some time off to think though things. I know I'm doing the best I can with the tools I have, and I'm working hard to sharpen and improve those tools, so that's what I think success is, more or less. But I think some time off would help me clarify my goals in life and in academia. Hopefully, I'll get into a PhD program and won't have the huge unknowns hanging above my head. You know, where will I be living in 6 and 9 months? Agh.

I know I'll feel better when I get on that plane heading to Salt Lake. I hope to clear my head and take a few days off to enjoy regular people things, then take some time to think about it all without the stresses of this quarter prodding me in one irrational direction or another.

It will be nice to get together with my Salt Lake friends. I hope you are all ready to see me unravel a bit. As Caitlin described, I'm a poaching egg that needs a little vinegar to hold me together. That's precisely how I've been feeling. There's just been too much emotion here. Good and, well, bad. Perhaps you guys can be my vinegar. :-) I can't wait to hear about what you all have been up to. I want the skinny, the 411, the juice.

Sleep now.

EDIT: Left out the main point for this post! Never again. I'm not doing a quarter this way again. My new year's resolution is to... do it differently.

1 remarks:

Kayla said...

School-related stress is the one thing I do not miss about school. Reading your posts lately has reminded me of that. But everything else about school - the learning, the studying, the get-out-of-the-house-and-not-just-to-go-to-workyness of it, and most of all the sense of accomplishment - makes me really really miss school.

I think your, your goals, and your ambitions are awesome. If you're crazed with stress and frustration now, I bet when you're all done with this you'll feel so proud of yourself, not just for sticking with it but for how good of a job I bet you're doing, even when you don't think you are.

And Christmas Vacation is a time to let it all slide away! If you have time, we should hang out when you're here. :)

p.s. the confirmation word I got is "supgun", which made me laugh.