Nerves

For one of my classes we write annotated bibliographies for each article we read. They are supposed to be our "personal research notes" but there are particular things the professor wants and a lot of rules... like how long they can be, etc. It's a great exercise in boiling papers down to what's important. And I really don't mind writing them.

The prof warned us that she would be really thorough with our first set of ABs. And... yeah, she was definitely thorough. For five articles, I had about a page and a half of constructive criticisms. And I got, what is to me, a really bad grade. I reminded myself that the first quiz, test, or assignment DOESN'T MATTER because I'm still figuring out what the professor wants. Last quarter, one of my professors loved my annotated bibliographies... this professor doesn't care for them. It's ok.

So that was what was going on consciously.

I started to download this week's readings and I got a bolt of sharp pain through my T7 dermatome. I cringed and mumbled a few choice words.

Two summers ago, I noticed a strange set of bumps on my ribcage. They were in a diamond shape and were a little bit itchy but nothing I couldn't handle. I looked up what they might be and started to read about all sorts of crazy horrible diseases. After consulting with my mum, I decided to book an appointment with my doc. He took one look at them and said, "Shingles."

I didn't believe it. I was 20. 20-year-olds don't get shingles.

But... as the bumps blistered, I realized that, yep, it was shingles.

Anyway, I've had this pain before, but only once or twice, so this is the first time since I've moved to California that I've felt the nerve damage from my chickenpox friend. Between this and (sorry... TMI coming right at you!) my enlarged lymph nodes, I'm thinking I need to chill out. But how do I chill out and get above a 3.5 this quarter? And how do I stifle the fear when I start down the road of Impostor Syndrome... which is basically feeling like the story of my life.

Oh, I'm nervous about my first stats paper, too... maybe it was too concise?!

^See... this is a problem. And it's not always conscious... that's the really scary part. I rarely have emotional meltdowns... it all gets channeled to my body.

So my latest line of thought goes like this:

"Graduate school is strictly optional. You don't have to do this. But you want to. If it gets to the point where you can't do it anymore, no one will judge you if you jump into a 'real job.' But it won't get that hard. Lots of people have master's degrees. Lots of idiots have master's degrees. You can do it. Or at least get through this week... this month... this quarter."

I know some people that read this blog are going to grad/professional school or thinking about going to grad/professional school. I hope this post doesn't discourage you. Grad school, I think and force myself to believe, is do-able and I felt great after I received my grades after the first quarter. But it isn't all great... and it's, obviously, stressful. But so are "real jobs" and life and so was undergrad! The moral of the story is do what you want to do, do what you're passionate about, then, when you feel like you're failing and the mountain seems way too steep, you can at least say, "there is no way I could study or work in any other field."

And, let's just hope that our minds and bodies make it through with little long-term damage! Ha ha.

-Natalie

P.S. A little comic relief never hurt anybody... I love the Simpsons.