i felt my life with both my hands

I am sitting in my friend's apartment, I have finished sipping her tea, and now I am looking at her ever expanding collection of books. She has decided to go the grad school route. She wants to write her honors thesis on wonderful things about time and space in twentieth century literature.

Her apartment is filled with simple, lovely things. A giant alarm clock. An 'S' with a Walt Whitman quote written on it... "We were together. I forget the rest." A painting, "You are a wonder to behold." A copy of Abbey Road on vinyl. A pillow, boastfully states, "It's hard to be humble when you're from UC Davis."

I love, live for these random intersections in life. To think, I could have picked a different apartment complex. Never have ran into her. I could have not applied to UC Davis. My application here was somewhat of an afterthought. Luck. All of those decisions and my good fortune have planted me here.

There are so many moments and thoughts in my life where I could have decided to go down a different road and ended up somewhere entirely different. It's overwhelming to think about all the decisions I've made and the consequences of those decisions. It almost makes me want to believe in fate or destiny. Some sort of guiding force in the universe. That way the decisions I make today and tomorrow don't carry so much weight. "It will all work out in the end" and "I'll end up where I'm supposed to be" are things I tell myself at night to fall asleep. I think I have to tell myself those things even though I don't really believe them. Else I'd go crazy. 

I suppose it doesn't matter where the path leads or where it ends. Oh, but it does. It does.

2 remarks:

Caitlin said...

Well fate, destiny, or chance if neither of us hadn't have signed up for a certain class we would have never been friends. And that's a very sad thought indeed, because who else would discuss late 90s boy bands with me? :)

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